are you offended?

by avalureburlesque

November’s Filth.

Last November, I was part of a sketch comedy show called, “Filth”. The basic idea was to put behaviors and cultural “stains” if you will on stage. Anything we aren’t supposed to make fun of or talk about, we did. The cool part of this show is that all the sketches were original, and cast members were also responsible for writing and directing. Last time, we were derelict clowns, this time we’ll be doing the show in August so it will be summer-camp themed.

Here is the first draft of a sketch I wrote for this installment:

Sin City

At the door of a club on a “fetish” night. Big bouncer with a long, dark  coat stands guard. A woman dressed in conservative, bland clothing walks up to the door.

Bouncer: Ohhhh no, no, no, what do you think you’re doing?

Ann: Just trying to socialize on a Friday night!

Bouncer: Do you know what’s going on here tonight?

Ann: Ah, yes I do.

Bouncer: Ha! Doesn’t look like it. It’s fetish night! Go home, lady.

Ann: Oh, but that’s what I’m here for!

Bouncer: Well I’m going to have to enforce the strict fetish dress code, and this getup doesn’t cut it.

Ann: Oh. I’m aware.

Bouncer: Excuse me? I’m not following here, lady. Move along.

Ann: But this is what I’m into!!

Bouncer: What? You have a…. bland fetish?

Ann: YES! Buttoned-up dress shirts, khaki pants, socks and sandals, Good Housekeeping magazine!

Bouncer: You gotta be kidding me!

Ann: Granny panties. Decaf coffee. Mashed potatoes…. With margarine!

Bouncer: Come on now, you’re wasting my time.

Ann: (Leans in) Have you ever heard of… White Picket Fencing?

Bouncer: White Picket Fencing?

Ann: Look it up on Urban Dictionary. It’s kind of like WASPing but you do it in your mini-van.

Bouncer: WASPing?

Ann: Yes! I am a front-yard mowing, RRSP saving, coupon clipping, conservative PERVERT.

Bouncer: (Loosens the collar on his coat, clearly uncomfortable. A light-coloured shirt collar pops out but he doesn’t notice) Alright now, it’s the last time I’m going to say this. You can’t come in here lady, this is a serious fetish night with a serious dress code!

Ann: (Notices the collar) What’s that? Do I see…. A WAFFLE KNIT GOLF SHIRT?

Bouncer: What!? No! Where??

Ann grabs his coat and unbuttons it to reveal a golf shirt and khaki shorts. She gasps.

Ann: You’re one of us!

Bouncer: Fine! I admit it! I LOVE BLAND!

Ann: Let’s get out of here!

Bouncer scoops up Ann.

Bouncer: It’s hip to be square, baby!

Ann: (As they exit) I can’t wait to show Water Polo-ing.

They giggle and exit.

–

Please don’t judge me.